TOPIC: R1 - Of Greasy Palms & Goblin Charms

“I really must protest!” moaned Anubis

“I told you, I could beat you anyway you wanted to play” said Diana whilst doing her head sass and clicking her fingers three time from left to right and back to left again.

“Well you show him girl!” said Aphrodite giving a bit of sisterly support.

“Who asked you to butt in” exclaimed Mardok, sticking up for Anubis.

“This is supposed to be a friendly game” said Odin “Anubis she is playing within the rules of the game, there is no cheating going on here is there son?”

“No father” replied Loki.

“See if anyone could spot cheating it would be Loki. You took the wager on Anubis, you know she is a demon player, as well as being a demon in the…”

“You just can’t stand losing to a woman, and admitting I a better player than you, isn’t that right girlfriend” said Diana cutting off Odin.
“Your right sister” agreed Aphrodite.

“But Odin she’s using Goblins” Anubis pointed at the board.

“Well I would say those Goblins, have decimated your front line and taken out your dwarves too, I’d up your game if I were you” replied the all father.

“She gets sisterly support, I get your crap do better” Anubis said quietly, but every one heard it.

“Ahem, Ahem” coughed Loki. “Right on brother you can smash this girl” copying Diana’s earlier head sass and finger clicking. Everybody found it funny and burst out laughing, everyone accept Anubis. Anubis placed his hand over the board and touched a piece.

“Home Ahoy! Drop an anchor” shouted Fuggit, Gobsnot threw another stone into the water. It made a satisfactory gloop and sunk into the water and they all watched the unattached rope follow the stone down.

After about twenty minutes of going round in a clockwise circle slowing the boat down, before gently, and it must be stressed it gently crashed into the bank.

In the village a new hero had taken centre stage Glasnoh a goblin fighter of little renown. Gobsnot seeing all the girls gathered round this new guy, put on his Boar hat.

“Hello Ladies, I am back looking for the sex” everyone looked at one another. “My mother, she never love me. (Stifled chuckle) She say she wish she was raped by someone else.” The boat crew look round at one another nervously. “This my friend Ganor. I come here for massage and, how you say? Hand relief. Every Thursday, he clean my hole.” Quickly Noink took the Boar hat off Gobsnot and he returned to normal.

“That Boar hat did something to your mind Gobsnot” said Noink

“Oh I thought it was a Borat”

The hands of fate touched the crew sending them off in a new direction

“That was a horrible experience, I’m going for a drink” stated Gobsnot, for the want of nothing better to do the others followed him.

The Goble Inn, had many rustic features not least of which it had no walls, just pillars holding up the roof and in the middle a large pit fire, which doubled as the oven, to keep the patrons warm. It never shut as the brothers who owned it worked it round the clock.

“Drink, Fek, Drink” said Gobsnot not quite back to normal. They sat at one of the tables away from the fire as it was currently an inferno and getting within five feet of it would give a goblin a wonderful brown tan that would last weeks, which sounds great but nobody likes brown Goblin.

Looking round the Inn for some ladies, they saw a human woman crying. Ganor ever the opportunist went over to her.

“What’s a babe like you doing in a great place like this?” he said not getting it quite right. She spoke through sobs.

“My son was taken from me at birth, we have wondered for many years searching for him.” Ganor did not pick up on the word “we”. “Sob, Sob Finally a clue led us here and then sob, sob we sob, hear he has gone off with some goblins.”

“There, there” said Ganor.

“Who are you and why you touching wife’s hair!” shouted and Ogre.

It all fell into place for Noink, Big Strong the half giant was actually a half ogre and these were his parents. Noink tried to control himself but working out the practicality of a Human mother and Ogre father made him chuckle. Noink pointed this out to Gobsnot.

“What, them. How does that work. Bah hahahahha!” and forgetting about the issue with the new fighter in town, went on to explain between laughter to him.

“Whew, I haven’t had a laugh like that in a while. I’m Gobsnot, Noink, Ganor, Fuggit and Ragnuck” he said pointing everyone out.

“I’m Glasnoh” the fighter goblin replied.

“I think we’d better go and find Big Strong, he should have been back by now” said Noink.

“You’re right, Fuggit if you’ve finished measuring everyone’s feet can you ask the swamp pirate if we can use his boat again. Care to join us Glasnoh?” asked Gobsnot.

“Please do, and then you can tell me of your exploits and I can immortalise them into song for you, in fact I will play my latest one…” started Noink but never got to finish because Fuggit cut him off

“Later, maybe twenty years later, we have work to do.”

“Your move now Diana” said Anubis

Back on the swap pirates boat the goblins set off back up stream looking for Big Strong. After a few hours, they picked up large foot prints on the side of the river bank. Once again they dropped an unattached anchor and circled round till the crashed gently into the bank.

After disembarking they looked at the footprints.

“Is that Big Strong’s foot prints?” asked Noink. Fuggit unpacked his etchings and compared them.

“I can safely say they are” Fuggit replied.

“I’ll scout ahead” said Ganor

“Shouldn’t you do that Fuggit?” asked Glasnoh

“Yeah, but I love his enthusiasm” replied Fuggit and cast a cantrip where every step Ganor took a ripping fart sound was emitted.

They approached a cave, the floor was littered with tiny little rocks, and larger broken statues were strewn about the place. Further in was Big Strong.

“Hey Big Strong, what ya doin?” shouted Noink, no reply, Big Strong didn’t even move. Gobsnot and not wanting to be outdone Glasnoh moved forward.

“It’s not Big Strong, but a statue of Big Strong!” Gobsnot shouted back down the cave.

“Why would a statue of Big Strong be in cave this far from anywhere?” asked Noink

“I dunno, maybe he had it commissioned” replied Gobsnot. Then a creature with many legs attacked Gobsnot, it looked at Fuggit and his feet turned to stone. The goblins attacked the creature, the creature lashed out at Gobsnot again, Fuggit’s lower legs turned to stone. Immobile he stood swinging his sword at the creature. The goblins attacked once more and Fuggit no longer able to maintain his balance fell on the creature with his sword going through its skull. The creature was dead and Fuggit’s legs did not return to normal.

Anubis picked up one of Diana’s pieces, it looked like Big Strong. “I seem to have captured one of your power pieces” and he smirked.

“It’s not removed from the game yet, the board yes but the game no. My move?” she replied, Anubis nodded.

“I think the creature turns its victims to stone and then eats them” said Ragnok

“I’ve heard of something like that, I think it’s called a Tarask. Its gaze turns its victims to stone.”

“That must have happened to Big Strong”

“What about my legs.” Asked Fuggit.

“Hang on” Noink cut the Tarask’s head off popped the eyes out and put them in the other way round. It had no effect.

“Oh, I thought that might work.” Said Noink.

“Can I have the head now for my hat collection” asaked Gobsnot.

“I remember a similar case to these back at the monastery, the abbot managed to cure him.”

The goblins tried to work out how best to transport a half Ogre made of stone. Noink suggested a raft and managed to construct one, but once Big Strong was on it, it sank. The Goblins then spent the next hour pulling him out the water. The decision was made to leave Big Strong behind and visit the Monk temple, which was past the village.

They had sailed a quarter of day when Noink heard a strange noise. He couldn’t quite place his finger on what would make such a din, because it sounded like someone trying to roar whilst having a prostate exam.

“Drop anchor and let’s investigate, big strong maybe in trouble” said Fuggit.

Noink threw yet another anchor overboard and they watched the unattached rope sink.

“Shouldn’t that be attached to the boat?” asked Glasnoh.

“You are not a sailor are you.” It was more of a statement than a question, Glasnoh shook his head, Fuggit continued “If it was tied to the boat, then it may pull the boat under water.” Fuggit said sagely before returning back to the tiller to turn the boat in ever decreasing circles, once again gently crashing into the bank.

They moved forward, and followed the sound. The goblins dragged Fuggit with them, he had said he didn’t want to be a bother and create extra work, but the other goblins were having none of it. The noise as it turns out was a colossal snake restricting a large brown bear.

“Is this our problem?” asked Noink

“Wouldn’t mind some snake skin boots” said Gobsnot

“And a waistcoat” agreed Glasnoh, they rushed forward attacking the snake, the battle was short and quick. The snakes head crashed to the floor, and it released its grip on the bear which collapsed to the floor and turned into a human.

“What do we do?” asked Ragnuk

“We could poison him” said Ganor

“We could steal his stuff” said Gobsnot

“We could poison him” said Ganor

“We could help him” said Noink

“We could poison him” said Ganor

“We could follow him back and then steal all his stuff” said Fuggit

“We could poison him” said Ganor

“Let’s skin the snake” said Glasnoh

“We could poison him” said Ganor forlornly knowing this was not going to happen. The human woke up and saw the goblins.

“I am Toni, a mighty and powerful Druid, and I thank you for your help” said Toni

“Help, we saved your life” said Fuggit

“Well yes, and I thank you for it” said Toni

“Here, if you’re so powerful how come you didn’t kill the snake?” asked Noink

“Well it got the better of me, as I rushed into attack it” said Toni

“You rushed into attack it, isn’t that a bow on your back” asked Gobsnot

“Yes it is, why what are you getting at” asked Toni

“Well if you have a bow what didn’t you shoot if from a distance? Instead of rushing in as a bear!” continued Gobsnot.

“Er, I forgot I had a bow, I never think about it” replied Toni who clapped his hands together loudly “Come back to my place and have a good meal and rest.” The goblins dragged Fuggit and went to the Druids home. They ate till they were satiated, which for goblins is a lot of food. Not too many people know this but goblins have stretch stomachs and they can consume for times their own body weight in a sitting. The Druid looked at his decimated food stocks he had been storing for winter, and then at the now round goblins. He supposed it was a small price to pay for his life.

“Can I ask about your feet and legs?” asked Toni.

“Sure they’ve been turned to stone by a Tarask”

“WHA!!” Exclaimed Toni then Gobsnot showed the head of the creature. “Whew! That’s not a Tarask that’s a Basilisk.”

“Can you cure him?” asked Ganor.

“I am sorry but it is beyond my ability, have you tried popping the eyes out and turning them round” replied Toni.

In the morning they got back on the boat and headed off for the temple, on pausing briefly in their village, where they updated Big Strong’s parents, enraged Mr Strong went off to retrieve his son’s body / statue.

“If we can’t cure him at least the village will have a new statue” Ganor said in all seriousness. They continued on their journey. The temple became visible on top of a small hill a path wound down to a jetty, on the jetty stood a monk with a dog sitting next to him fishing (the monk was fishing not the dog). The boat was travelling fairly quickly when they dropped yet another anchor and then spent the next half an hour going round in a circle before gently bumping the jetty and sending the monk into the water.

What the goblins hadn’t noticed till they got a little closer was the Temple was painted all different colours. It was striking in its appearance, it was what would be described in a different universe at around the mid twentieth century abstract art. It looked like a piece called Madnessby Tadeusz Machowski, where critics would come and crow over its form and how the artist tried to capture some of the energy and excitement of the movement, yet strive to reflect his own sense and vision of reality within a contemporary context. However our goblins call it as they see it a mess.

“What happened here Ganor” asked Fuggit.

“Please don’t use my name, in fact it would be best if you don’t talk to me or mention me at all.”

They travelled to the front door and entered. There were many Monks and many dogs leading the monks about.

“Ganor, why do they all have a dog” asked Noink, no reply. Noink continued louder “Why do they all have dogs?” still nothing, then at the top of his voice Noink shouted “WHY DO THEY ALL HAVE DOGS”.

“Perhaps, I can answer that child.” An old fragile looking monk approached them with an old looking dog. “We all have dogs as they are our eyes, you see we are all blind.”

“That explains the paint job outside then” said Gobsnot

“Why what’s the matter with the magnolia paint outside” asked the old monk. “We got it as a job lot”

“Nothing it’s er, lovely” recovered Gobsnot.

“Who trains the dogs then” asked Noink. “If you are all blind who trains the dogs?”

“Ah that would be our bretheren temple, the same ones who supplied us with the paint, the temple of the Seeing Eye dogs” replied the venerable monk.

“So everybody who is Monk here is blind?” asked Noink.

“Yes” came the reply

“So why are you not blind Ganor?” asked Noink

“Ganor is a name we have not heard uttered within these walls for a good few years now, but I can assure you Ganor was blind he had a dog called fluffy”

“Where is your dog then Ganor, I’ve never seen you with a dog” said Noink. Ganor glared at him

“I said WHERE IS YOUR DOG GANOR?” shouted Noink.

“I lost him” said Ganor quietly

“Ganor, have you returned, have you brought the artefact you stole back to us, to seal the dimensional rift you caused in our basement. The rift that we send brothers down to try and hold close, but we lose at least three of these brave souls a month.”

“Yes and No” said Ganor “I have returned but not with the artifact as I did not steal it, it was somebody else”

“Why would you not say so, why did you run away the very night it was stolen, you were the only person missing from the order” The old monk reasoned.

“Well I thought you would all blame me as I you as I’m a goblin”

“You are a Goblin, why did you never mention this before. What else haven’t you told us? Next you will tell us you are not blind”

“He’s not blind”

“I am” said Ganor panicking

“No you’re not. I’ll prove it. What colour is this Orange” asked Noink.

“Orange” replied Ganor “Damn!”

“I have never felt so betrayed” the old monk said glumly.

“Don’t worry old timer, we’re here to help” Now if you can fix our friends legs form the stare of a Basilisk and give us a scroll to fix our other friend we’ll sort out your basement problem.” Said Gobsnot as he hit the old monk on the back almost knocking him flying. And so it was agreed.

To be continued……….

Like it!

Yep, that was ePic with a capital P.

You may have another d12 inspiration dice and add your proficiency bonus to one skill of your choice.

“So how do we get down the basement then?” Asked Gobsnot,

“I can show you” replied Ganar

“We had the main entrance bricked up to help the situation that started coincidently the night you absconded Ganar, the night the artifact was taken by parties unknown.” The other goblins shook their heads at Ganar.

“Could you not find an old lady or a baby to rob? Instead of stealing and lying to defenceless blind monks” asked Noink.

“I didn’t” protested Ganar. “I’ll be back in a mo” and Ganar stomped off downstairs returning a few minutes later.

“You’d better check his pockets for the tableware” quipped Fuggit, and as if by magic a fork fell from Ganar’s robe which he deftly caught with his foot. Ganar flicked it back in the air grabbing it in mid-flight and hid it away in his pocket.

Gobsnot shook his head in Ganar’s direction “I thought you were the rouge in our group Fuggit, but it seems you have a lot to learn about stealth, checking for traps going first and stealing things”

“I concur” replied Fuggit also clearly disappointed in Ganar’s behaviour of the people who gave him shelter and raised him.

“It has been bricked up and a rather good job of it has been done, I must say” said Ganar.

“Well it was lucky really Ganar, we had decided to brick it up and were deciding whom to ask to help when there was a knock on the door. It was a travelling group of dwarven builders, looking for work. They were a nice bunch of lads although they never spoke in dwarven even when we did, strange now I think about it. They did like our “Dag’s” as they called them, and liked a good punch up, but they were great dwarves really.”
“Er okay,” said Noink doing the loony hand signal to the others. “So essentially what you are saying is this is not a way in.”

“Yes”

“Right so what is the other way in?” asked Noink

“Down the well and through the tunnel at the bottom into the spring pool in the ante chamber off the old prayer hall” said the abbot.

Anubis moved his figure, it was a classic trap and Diana was glad that Anubis had not seen she had planned for this and took appropriate
actions against this stratagem. Playing with goblins was a lot harder than playing with heroes and had Anubis been a skilful payer he would have won by now, but alas he wasn’t, it was certainly a good handicap and game leveller and she hadn’t enjoyed a game this much in a long time.

The Goblins gathered round the well and looked down.

“Er who’s going first” asked Fuggit. Gobsnot dived into the water.

“I didn’t know he could swim” said Noink,

“Help I can’t swim!” shouted Gobsnot

“I’ll help him” and with that Ganar leapt down the well landing on top of Gobsnot and pushing him under.

“I wanted to help Gobsnot” said Fuggit and he too hurled himself down the well, landing next to Ganar but now there was no room for Gobsnot. So he did the only thing he could and felt round for an opening and pulled himself through. The tunnel was thankfully short and he broke the surface of the water in the pool. The room was dark and looked every one of its unused years. The sound of Ganar gasping for air broke Gobsnot’s thoughts, he spied an old sheet and decided to play a jape on the others. Ganar was shortly followed by Fuggit who had made it all look incredibly easy, they climbed out of the pool together.

“Where’s Gobsnot” asked Fuggit.

“Dunno, wasn’t here when I came up” replied Ganar. Gobsnot stifled his laughter he was going to scare them real good.

“Perhaps he is already scouting ahead, always said he was a top goblin” said Fuggit just then a figure draped in a sheet with hurriedly poked eye holes and a poorly drawn grin screamed at them in Gobsnot’s roar.

“Hi Gobsnot” said Ganar

“How did you know it was me?” asked Gobsont despondently.

“Where to start, where to start,” said Fuggit. “Firstly the sheet, the fact you cut eyeholes into it is a slight give away. Secondly why would a ghost have a toothy grin? Thirdly, and I would like to point out I have no experience in this field but I very much doubt ghosts go round holding their arms up and go “WHOOO HOOOO HOOO” and finally the fact you chose the only spot in the room an ambush could come from meant that I and Ganar were ready for the unexpected, isn’t that right Ganar.”

“Er, yes, yes it is” agreed Ganar, but he was shaking, possibly from the cold of the water, possibly form the scare and there was a very meaty smell. But this was missed by Gobsnot who wanted to try his jape again.

“Where’s Noink?”

“Dunno, he was still at the top of the well when I jumped in” said Fuggit.

Meanwhile back at the top of the well…

“Is there another way out?” asked Noink.

“Not as far as I am aware, this is it now” confirmed the abbot. Noink looked down the well tested the sides and decided if they had to come back this way they would need a rope to climb up.

“Is there something I can secure a rope to?” asked Noink, the abbot showed him an eye ring secured to the wall. Noink tied a knotted rope he got from the monks stores, and threw it down the well. The end of the rope floated on the water and Noink carefully lowered himself down.
Meanwhile Gobsnot was getting bored of waiting for Noink and decided as Noink had crapped all over his plan he would crap all over Noink, so he took a dump in the clear waters of the pool, and the monk’s drinking water.

Noink swam down found the tunnel and was forging his way down it when he was hit in the face by a turd. It somehow manged to get stuck to his head and the last few feet Noink had to do blind, Noink emerged from the water. Gobsnot in his excitement and previous criticism did not raise his arms this time, but this meant the sheet was now dragging on the floor and Gobsnot trod on it, getting himself tangled. Noink pulled the turd free and from its aroma it could only have come from the person standing in front of him, so Noink returned it to its owner.

Gobsnot now with turd on his face untangled himself and was grumpy because his jape and gone awry.

Fuggit and Ganar had carried on and had nearly finished their examinations of the old room of worship, Ganar was busy cleaning the altar and chancel from debris and years of dust. Fuggit on the other hand was interested in the light being emitted from a crystal and bouncing off one mirror and hitting the wall as the next mirror was broken.

Noink and Gobsnot entered the room and looked round the naïve where Gobsnot was delighted to find skeletal remains of a monk which he was brandishing as a knuckle duster. Noink was more interested in the corridor leading off, and followed it down. A gentle breeze ruffled the three hairs on his head, further down the corridor skulls flew from the walls but missed him. Old traps thought Noink, he entered a room with a pool of water, another much larger statue stood guarding the pool, but time had taken its toll and the arms were missing. Noink looked for the arms but could not see them.

Gobsnot came down the corridor with the same traps going off, followed by Ganar. Fuggit who could have easily disabled the traps elected not to as he was enjoying the cooling breeze.

Ganar saw the arms lying in the water and went to retrieve them, but as soon has his goblin fingers touched the water two things happened. First Ganar’s fingers became clean something that had not happened in five years and second a large water elemental sprang into life. This sudden foe attacking them cheered Gobsnot up no end.

It was tough battle but the elemental was defeated but the victory managed to wipe out most of the parties resources. There were three other corridors leading off this chamber. The one to their left seemed interesting as they spotted a dog gnawing on an arm. Gobsnot drank one of the potions of animal handling Toni the powerful Druid had given them. This made the dog friendly and he wagged his tale. Following the corridor they discovered a door slightly ajar, inside was the remains of a once great library. Slipping in through the gap the library was in a worse state of repair than hoped, cobwebs lined the walls ceiling and floor, large cocoon type structures (egg sacks) were dotted around the floor and spiders the size of ponies took a new interest in the meal that had just walked in. Gobsnot heartened by another combat leapt in. Ganar fought a spider and Fuggit was firing flaming arrows at them. Then it all went rather badly for Fuggit as he was taken out by a poisonous bite, Ganar rushed to his aid but could not help as the spiders were after their meal, Gobsnot’s dog died and Noink cast his healing magic to help Fuggit. Enraged at his dog’s death even though he’d only had the dog for ten minutes sent Gobsnot into a blinding rage and soon every trace of a spider was eviscerated and left on the floor. For a reason unknown to anyone including Gobsnot, he kept the Zombie forearm, perhaps in remembrance of his beloved dog. This fight had taken the groups remaining resources and it was decided to spend the night here.

Ganar was interested in the people shaped cocoons and removed the spider silk covering the head of the first one. The creature tried to bite his hands off and Ganar quickly dispatched it. Doing the same with the other cocoons Ganar finally came across a diary of a brave monk, who had mapped out a lot of the place, and had gone down a very scary sounding hole and then withered his arm when he tried to walk through a magical field. He had very kindly drawn a good picture representation and translated the inscription round the field.

Anubis looked at Diana, “my go now?” He asked, she nodded. He turned over a card, it was a trap card and sat back looking very pleased with himself. This would take some creative thinking to get round and Diana sat back and contemplated.

“Right then Fuggit, you’ve had a big bowl of brave flakes, it’s all you now” said Noink.

“I’ll go first!” said Ganar grabbing the rope from Noink. The rope was secured a couple of pitons, looking over the edge it was only about sixty feet down but the voices coming from the chasm did not seem that scary, just voices or possibly wind with no breeze. Ganar climbed over the lip and started his descent. Ganar was about twenty feet down when it all became too much for him, luckily he was in the right position to perform the bodily function he did. Ganar clambered over the lip of the hole and started running. He blindly ran back down the corridor back into the room where they fought the Elemental and up the as yet unexplored corridor.

“What got into him?” asked Fuggit

“Beats me” said Gobsnot

“Should we go after him? “Asked Noink

“Who?” asked Gobsnot

“It’s obviously the voices that must get scarier there has to be a way past it” thought Noink aloud.

Diana clicked her finger theatrically, sat forward and moved one of her pieces.

Noink clicked his fingers “Of course!” he exclaimed he grabbed the rope and tied it round his waist. “If you two lower me down, I will have no way of climbing back up” so Gobsnot and Fuggit lowered Noink down the hole. At about twenty feet down the hole seemed to have grown for Noink it had gnashing jaws and was going to eat him whole. “It’s okay Gobsnot you bring me back up now, I’ve seen enough” Gobsnot was still seeking revenge for his poor jape and poor smear.

“It’s all the way for you Noink!” he shouted down with a little too much glees in his voice.

Noink saw the gaping mouth lick its lips.

“Pull me back up NOW!” cried Noink.

“You’re going down Noink. Remember you said not matter what I say keep lowering me” Shouted Gobsnot

“I didn’t mean it, I didn’t meant it. I was clowning around” but Gobsnot and Fuggit paid him no heed and kept on lowering him. As he got to the bottom Noink was too petrified to do anything even untie the rope, and in a brief moment of clarity he cut the rope so the others could pull it away from him and then passed out.

Fuggit and Gobsnot decided there was safety in numbers and would go down together so they tested the pitons and started their climb down.
Ganar found himself in the mausoleum of a Paladin of the no eyed god. Ganar respectfully tided the room and was careful not to touch anything.
Fuggit and Gobsnot had descended twenty feet when their resolve was tested and like Ganar they were found wanting, they too clambered back up the rope as fast as they could and then ran off in different directions. Eventually, Gobsnot, Fuggit and Ganar all ended up in the Paladin’s mausoleum.

The respect shown by Ganar was completely lost on the other two who set about ransacking the place. In mere moments they had the lid off the sarcophagus and were picking the bones. Gobsnot found a mace, and Fuggit some armour. When they were quite sure there was nothing of value left they returned to the room with the hole. Lying at the bottom in the foetal position and still passed out was Noink.

“He looks so peaceful” said Fuggit. This time they all managed to climb down and woke their brave comrade Noink.

“AGGGHHHHH! IT’S GOING TO EAT ME!!!!” beads of sweat rolled off Noinks head, looking round at his colleague’s faces. “I mean well done. Shall we?” and Noink pointed down the corridor to the wall with the glowing light.

The Goblins stood at the arcane doorway. Ganar was looking in the book “It says here that safe passage is given to those who are in deaths shadow.” Ganar picked the Zombie forearm off Gobsnot’s back and placed it over his hand and pushed it through the arcane light. It worked!
”Sorry Anubis, but it was a valiant effort” said Diana knowing she would wind him up a bit, that was a good trap and it nearly had her on the ropes she would have to give Anubis a bit more credit in future.

The goblins scaled back up the wall and collected bones. Fuggit, Ganar and Noink made a bivouac of bones and Gobsnot made himself bone armour.

To be continued…….

I won't have time to read that before tonight's game, so I'll assume it's up to the same standard as your previous write-up's and award you another d12 inspiration dice (I don't think you used the one for last week's post) and a +1 to any one core attribute.

The goblins in a rare act of unison took a breath and walked through the glowing portal.

Anubis waited for Diana to take interest in the board, with her attention elsewhere he raised his butt cheek and carefully withdrew a card. He had carefully drawn her play here for this final blow, then he would wipe that all knowing smile off Diana’s face. Loki started to take an interest in this as Anubis cheating may be worth something later on. Anubis with the skill of a street magician placed the card into his hand. “My turn Diana?” she nodded. Anubis turned one of his face down cards over and placed a new card face down.

The Goblins appeared on the other side and started whooping and hollering.

“WE LIVE” shouted Ragnuk then other four fell silent and looked at Ragnuk whilst he was still enthusing over their ability to survive.

“Where have you been?” asked Noink

“More importantly what have you been doing?” asked Gobsnot

“The question is how did you get here, and what did you do getting here?” asked Fuggit

“The real question is” and Ganar paused for dramatic effect. “did you find any posion?”

“No I did not find any poison, and I got stuck in an animal form if you must know. I’ve been trying to get you to help for hours now and you all ignored me, so I’ve been tagging along waiting for the effects to wear off!” replied Ragnuk

“Does that cover everything?” asked Gobsnot and the goblins greeted Ragnuk by punching him.

“Ow, Ow, Ow, OW watch it Ganar” whimpered Ragnuk

“Not my fault these hands are lethal weapons!” quipped Ganar

“What they’ve too old for this s..t and only have four weeks till retirement” said a disembodied voice.

They looked up and the short corridor opened out into a large room with a raised dais, in the room floating were coloured skulls, one red, one yellow, one green and one blue one. Gobsnot rushed forward destroying the yellow one instantly. Ganar attacked the blue one. Then the skulls acted the Red one emitted fire at Fuggit and although Fuggit evaded it his clothes still caught fire. The blue one attacked Ganar with an ice blast and put him down instantly, finally the green one emitted some kind of putrefied necrotic beam, rending Noink’s flesh grey and hard before Noink managed to shrug it off Noink cast healing magic at Ganar and got him back to his feet. Ragnok, Fuggit and Gobsnot took out the blue and red ones leaving just the green one.

“Here listen you and me could do great things together, terrible yet great things” said Ganar robbing lines from a book he once read. The green skull considered it for a moment and yielded to this suggestion.

”Not fair Diana” said Anubis obviously irked.

“Not fair were those skulls, they are dubious at best if they should even be allowed in the game” said Diana.

“If a card is in play, even if its face down then it cannot be removed or challenged” chimed in Loki

“I know the rules Loki!” said Diana curtly. Anubis could not help but smile, if she didn’t like that one then she would really not like his trap creature combo coming up.

With the skulls sort of defeated (three killed and one defector) the goblins set about examining the room. There were three other exits, the one straight ahead from the entrance tunnel looked like another glowing portal with the same mystical runes, on the left and right were two more corridors.

“Somebody going to check this out?” asked Gobsnot.

“Who’s a handsome skull, yes you is, yes you is” cooed Ganar with his new friend.

“Oh. Sorry I suppose it better be me then.” Said Fuggit

“Well you are the rogue in this group” replied Noink.

“I’m used to Ganar doing everything. Anyway no problem, right for a fight and left is best, I’ll do the left corridor first.” And with that Fuggit moved stealthily away from the others.

“Makes a nice change this” said Gobsnot

“More work for me though” said Noink

“How so?” asked Ragnuk

“Well with Ganar leading I had to rhyme the words, Down the corridor Ganar in a strange type of manner, or blows raining down Ganar thought he’d better be a worth planner. But now it’s Fuggit and I’ve got to come up with new rhymes. Bravely and stealthily Fuggit, went down the corridor looking for….” Noink was interrupted by Gobsnot

“ a golden nugget! This is easy, don’t know why you bards try to make things so complicated all the while.”

“It is not easy writing the music, they lyrics and harmonising it all” retaliated Noink.

“It is easy Fuggit rhymes with nugget and bugger it, and locket” argued Gobsnot.

“No it…” the argument continued and so did Fuggit unaware of the hardship caused to the bard, he carried on carefully, checking for traps and other nasty things. The corridor opened into a large room. Two pillars stood in line with the corridor, Fuggit moved silently and quickly behind the closest one. The room was large ahead were about twenty steps going up the next level this too was large area and at the back either side of a tabernacle stood two suits of full plate mail armour. Deciding this looked decidedly dodgy Fuggit sneaked his way back to the main room.

“Anything that way?” asked Ragnuk, whilst Gobsnot and Noink were still arguing. Ganar had found a bone and was throwing for his green skull to retrieve.

“Nothing really, it looks like a fancy latrine” replied Fuggit carrying on to the corridor opposite. Taking care Fuggit moved forward slowly, the corridor was short and it ended in a “T” junction. Fuggit looked to the left and it ended with a chest, turning round he went back and followed the passage the other way which also ended in a chest. Figuring a chest is a chest Fuggit set about opening it. He worked quickly, the chest as far as he could tell was not trapped, but it was locked. Fuggit used his new skill and attempted to open the chest form the safety of thirty feet.

The lid gave to Fuggit’s will and he leaned closer in anticipation of the treasure inside. Light shimmered from the chest, the light of a thousand jewels sparkled and Fuggit licked his lips. The lid opened further and Fuggit stretched, and then retracted but too late the giant tentacle grabbed him and pulled him into the chest slamming the lid shut.

The others had heard his scream and seen him being dragged.

“It’s got to be the chest” said Gobsnot

“I agree it’s the chest, but why do I have to check it out?” asked Ganar

“’cause you do most of the stealin’ round here, in fact until you met the Mekon you did all of it.”

“Okay but I don’t see why, it’s me” as he tied the rope round his waist, what Ganar failed to realise was no one was holding the other end. Luckily though as Ganar was about to move forward the other chest opened spitting out Fuggit.

“Where you been?” asked Ganar

“Don’t. Want. To. Talk. About. It.” Fuggit got into a central position in the room, hugged his knees and wept quietly.

They decided to rest.

In the morning they thought they’d better check the toilet out. They moved en masse, silently cautiously all except Ragnuk who at the critical moment tripped on his rob, as the others took position behind the pillars, Ragnuk stumbled into the room making a lot of noise. The two suis of armour raised their arms and moved toward Ragnuk.

In a flash Gobsnot moved and closed with one hitting it with a mighty blow. Fuggit moved throwing ball bearings on the floor trying to get the suits of armour prone, he then leapt in to the battle striking the one with a sneaky rogue attack. The battle was short but hard and the goblins feeling battered and bruised went to sit down.

“The first round is mine Anubis” said Diana, and she felt pleased that she had got the right amount of gloating into her voice.
“The first round isn’t over yet Diana” said Anubis turning over two cards at the same time and undead trap card and a beholder. Diana’s eyes bulged, he was cheating, as such a creature was not allowed in the lower levels.

“You cannot play that, it is not allowed” said Diana

“Once a card is in play Diana”

“I know the rules Odin!”

“Well you need to be a better sport” replied Odin

“He is cheating, and you all know it!” Diana felt very pleased with her performance, two could play this game and she knew precisely what to do. The first part was to be indignant. She had to get her players to relative safety and get them to the next level without any more underhanded cheating by Anubis. “So, I have to play on.” She slammed herself down into her chair.

The wall at the back of the tabernacle began to open as the goblins were at the top of the steps it was easy for them to see, inside a deflated sack began to take shape. Fearing the worst Noink orchestrated the group’s efforts in trying to break the door mechanism and shut the door again. In this endeavour they failed. At this failure, Gobsnot, Ragnuk and Ganar ran for their very lives and left Fuggit and Noink behind. The beholder came out of its room and looked at Ragnuk with its dead milky white eye. A beam of energy came out and barely caught Fuggit but it was enough to knock him unconscious. Noink knew he was outmatched and ran after the others shouting “I HAVE A PLAN!”

Noink had nailed the chest that spat Fuggit out closed with pitons and rope whilst Gobsnot and Ganar moved the other chest into the corridor with a piton in the top attached to a rope for an easy open. Ragnuk had braved his way back into the room to cast healing magic on Fuggit and sent a message to play dead, something Fuggit was more than happy to do. Running back up the corridor Ragnuk entered the room Noink cast his illusionary magic making it look to beholder coming down the corridor that the room was empty. The beholder closed unknowingly on the chest and gobsnot pulled the lid, the tentacles came out grabbing the beholder and slammed the lid shut after it had been pulled in. A short while later the other chest began to shake and bounce.

”What the? How did you do that? You have to be cheating!” stammered Anubis

“If the cards are in play they cannot”

“We all know the rules, but how??” continued Anubis, Diana smiled innocently

“Still my go and at the end of my go we will get to the next level.” She said

“I still have trap cards my dear”

“You can only play trap cards if there are things to trap” Diana said sweetly, this left Anubis feeling confused and troubled, he had been outmanoeuvred but how that was the question.

The chest kept jumping around.

“You know at some point that chest will break and that thing will be free” said Ganar

“I have another cunning plan” said Noink. “What if we put the chest it is trying to get out of into the chest it got sucked in by.”

“A plan with no drawbacks” agreed Gobsnot. This is what the goblins did, the resulting feedback explosion became a thing of legend.
”My goes over” said Diana smiling at Anubis. Anubis looked at the board and looked harder.

“Where are your pieces?” he asked

“They will be waiting for us when we play the next level, for now all you need to know is they are safe away from you” she replied. Anubis got up and went for a rest whilst he tried to work out what just happened.

“Well done Diana, well done” said Odin

The goblins found themselves in the third plane of hell, they knew this as they were told by a passing demon. Over the way they could see a small shanty town and they set off for it. They quickly got to the inn and ordered some drinks. The beer spilt down the side of the tankard and burnt the wooden bar top. Fuggit put his finger in and it was like an acid attack.

“Er excuse me my dear, but would you have something we goblins could drink?”

“We have Golden Shower” replied the half snake half beautiful woman.

“That sounds lovely five flagons of that then please”

Five Flagons appeared quiet quickly it smelt, looked and tasted like pee.

“Cor haven’t had a nice pint of pee in a good while” said Gobsnot. Ragnuk stepped back and knocked the person behind him drink over. The creature turned round.

"He doesn't like you." He said

"I'm sorry." Replied Ragnuk

"I don't like you, either” he continued

“What a great beard” said Noink enthusing over the creatures facial hair. After a brief friendly conversation.

“It’s still got to happen, but we can talk beards after” said the creature.

One bar fight later and Gobsnot had been ejected from the inn till he had “slept it off” he was approached by a boar with an arm missing an eye patch and a wooden leg approached.

“I am looking for a crew and you fit the description”

To be continued………